


The Doctor and the Pirate

by Rev



Category: Doctor Who (2005), Pirates of the Caribbean (Movies)
Genre: Gen, Kinda Crack, and travel, for love of ships, hinted Jack Sparrow/The Corsair, tiny bit of Jack Sparrow/the TARDIS
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-13
Updated: 2014-01-13
Packaged: 2018-01-08 14:54:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,953
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1133990
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rev/pseuds/Rev
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A crisis in the Caribbean in the 1700's leads the Doctor to Captain Jack Sparrow.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Doctor and the Pirate

**Author's Note:**

> This plot-bunny would not leave me alone, and I thought it'd be fun to write. It is a one-shot.  
> I may have done some jiggery-pokery with time (about 50 years) bringing Jean Lafitte's name into the fic. 'M not sorry.  
> Feedback is most appreciated.  
> Thanks for reading.

“'S a bit bigger on the inside, i'n'it mate?”

His newest companion didn't walk so much as he stumbled across the grating from the door to the console. Oddly, it couldn't really even be called a stumble, because it was much too graceful for that. The Doctor, upon some quick consideration, deemed the gait to be unique to the Captain, likely owing to a lifetime standing on the swells of the sea, imbibing too much rum, and probably being hit about the head too often as a lad. As he moved, his eyes studying the walls, the pirate trailed calloused fingers across all parts of the ship as he passed, in a rather _distracting_ fashion. It didn't help that the TARDIS seemed to be enjoying it, either. The Doctor pulled on his earlobe for a moment, wondering exactly why he'd decided to invite the eccentric and infamous Captain Jack Sparrow aboard his TARDIS again.

Ah, right. Macrocystisycians had staged a small scale, covert operation to steal the seven Relics of the Tides, that when gathered and assembled would form a machine that would warm the atmosphere of the planet it was used upon. For Earth, this would mean unmitigated global warming to the point of melting the polar ice caps, bringing about a situation he'd seen in the movie _'Waterworld'._ Bit of rubbish, that first film from the 1990's was. The remake from 2089 was much better, no offense to that Kevin Costner bloke. But Evan Jolie-Pitt had been born for the role of the Mariner and with that era's special effects, the remake blew the original right out of the (pardon the pun) water.

Sometime in the 1600's, another well-meaning traveler (not just of Earth, but of Time and space) had broken the Machina Calefactus into seven pieces so that it could never be used as a weapon again (its origins were unknown, save for that it had been stolen from another planet and used as a weapon on several agricultural planets, resulting in drought, famine, and the deaths of billions). Earth, being relatively backwater seemed like the perfect place to hide the pieces. Unfortunately, secrets rarely stay such forever, and the Macrocystisycians, who needed a large salt-water ecosystem to thrive in, and had recently lost their own planet to a near extinction inducing volcanic eruption, heard of Earth (or really, just Earth's oceans, the scale and vastness of which are rather rare in habitable planets) and the machine. A small contingent of thirty-two (and a half – being not only a prestigious number in Macrocystis society, but also a forerunner for procreation as they are Algae-like sentient life-forms) of the regent's best soldiers landed in the Caribbean Sea seeking the Relics of the Tides, as the pieces of Machina Calefactus were called. Several relics had already been recovered from the Black Sea, the Persian Gulf, the Bay of Bengal, the Sea of Okhotsk and the area that would be known as Hudson's Bay in years to come.

As Jack Sparrow had told his story earlier when the Doctor found him on the beach of an uninhabited island,

_'Was just minding me own business when a lot of slimy seaweed monsters-', the narrative was accompanied by swaying, wavy hand motions, sound effects and ridiculous eyebrow waggling. '- attacked the Pearl. They came up from the seas and over the hull without anyone noticin' anythin' was wrong until it was too late.'_

_'They didn't seem to be tryin' to kill the lot o' us, but I couldn't be certain, what with all the 'hhhssssssssssrggllllllllll - hrrrg' (and here Sparrow again staggered about, stretching out and grasping the air around him to imitate the seaweed monsters. The Doctor notes that the Captain is remarkably good at relaying the language and sound of the Macrocystisycians and he can translate it. The pirate does not understand that they were indeed threatening the lives of his crew in return for the single Relic he had stowed on his ship), and 'ggggrrrhhhhhlllllllll – arrrrrrrrrrr!' (interestingly enough the one vowel is mispronounced and the translation he automatically hears via the TARDIS ends up being “All your base are belong to us”, and isn't that amusing) But I wasn't losin' me Pearl again, not so soon after I'd got her back.'_

_'They backed us into the main galley, and when half of 'em went searchin' the cabins, I gave my men the signal to attack. With quick speed born of trust and years of bein' crew, we dispatched the sea things as quick as they came. But not before they made off with somethin' from my cabin, somethin' I was entrusted to keep safe.'_

Doubtless, the Captain's story was missing a few details (such as how he'd come to be rolled up in seaweed on a forgotten coast with the rest of his crew while the _Black Pearl_ bobbed rather peacefully a nautical mile away), and it may have been embellished a little, given the Captain's fanciful nature, but the important part was that the Macrocystisycians had obtained six of the seven Relics of the Tides, and now they had to prevent the sea-bound aliens from obtaining the last one, which was located in the Gulf of Mexico. Unfortunately, he was a day late and his quarry traveled quickly by water, but that didn't matter all that much when one had a time traveling ship. Jack Sparrow though, had not only great knowledge of the waters they'd be facing, but the pirate keeping the last piece (a French fellow by the name of Jean Lafitte) and a better idea of exactly what they'd be looking for once they caught up to (or got ahead of) the Macrocystisycians.

Speaking of whom... The pirate was rounding the console, his dark gaze now fixed on the Doctor. He came to a staggered stop directly in front of him, one bejeweled hand coming up to trace a lapel of his suit and then tug somewhat experimentally at his tie. His other hand lingered in the air behind him, and the captain seemed blank for a second, possibly gathering his thoughts though the Doctor didn't forget for a second that Sparrow was actually much sharper than his appearance would suggest.

“Doctor.” Kohl-lined eyes fixed on his own and the man frowned. “'S'at mean you're a physician? Or d'you teach?” The Doctor tried not to squirm uncomfortably, but failed and slipped quickly away from the other man, his own hyperactive tendencies manifesting as he moved around the console, using it almost as a barrier.

“Wellll, a little of both sometimes, and a bit more besides. I do a bit of everything, me. Ever made cheese? Bit of a messy, smelly process that. Gotta ferment that milk, add bacteria, keep the temperature right, add rennet, drain it when it's _juuust_ right. And there's all these little details you can add or change as you see fit, depending on what kind of cheese you're going for.” He babbled on, aware he was doing so, but unwilling to stop. Once he got going, it was a bit fun to hear what he'd say next – sometimes he never quite knew. And if he could distract the pirate from the etymology of his own name, so much the better. “Once, and I'm not sure how I did it, but I made this cheese that popped in your mouth as you ate it. Perfect with some bubbly, that. Not certain the Queen of Spain appreciated it, but I was only there to stop her being assassinated by Troglodytes. Now _those_ blokes appreciate cheese, let me tell you.”

Sparrow's face twisted in thought, and he spoke to interrupt the Doctor, “Troglodytes? Tiny little buggers, 'bout yay high?” He held his hand out about waist height.

The Doctor nodded and asked, “Tails too, about this long, kinda scaly and pink and a bit alien?” He held his hands about a foot apart, squinting at the pirate. Not that Troglodytes were uncommon, but they didn't like Earth much, something about midgets.

Sparrow nodded and rubbed his beard. “Aye, 've seen those buggers before. Was drunk. Thought they were midgets.” He frowned, as did the Doctor. Mm, yeah. Earth wasn't very alien-friendly. Least not until the 31st century.

The Captain stepped out from behind the rotor and traced his hand across a panel, keeping the doctor in his peripheral vision. “Aliens... You not human, Doc?”

The Doctor straightened up from his slouch on the rail. “'Course I'm not human. Can't be as superior as I am without bein' an alien. Someone's gotta look after you apes.” Sparrow staggered closer again, studying him some more. He frowned as he poked the Doctor in the chest. “Ya don't look alien.” The pirate then proceeded to pick at the Doctor's hand and shuffle around him, examining him from all angles. “Got five fingers. Two ears. Legs.” The frown on the pirate's face doubled and he zeroed in on the area between the doctor's legs. “You've got the right bits, don't ye? Thomas 'n two oysters?” He paused, a larger look of distaste crossing his face. “'M not traveling with another eunuch, 'm I?” He backed away a few steps from the Time Lord.

The alien in question squawked in outrage and backed up a step, face scrunching. “ _What!?!?_ What?!? No! No, this body's quite manly. And male. With bits! Or **a** bit. And bobs. All perfectly normal, me. Not that you need to know that. Just has superior Time Lord physiology, is all. Tougher than you lot.” As though to demonstrate, he pounded on his chest with one fist, the look of outrage fading from his face as the pirate relaxed and shrugged.

“Sorry, mate. Can't blame a man for asking. Figured aliens would be all... alien-like and-”, he waved his hands about and contorted his face a bit, pantomiming some sort of monster, most likely.

“Well, you can hardly blame us for going about with camouflage. You lot don't start getting all alien-friendly for another ten centuries or so.”

Jack Sparrow backed off another step, eyeing the Doctor's body with visible distrust. But instead of starting that tangent back up, he turned and studied the ship again. “And this... 'Ship'-”, he said the word with some distaste, because in the mind of the Captain, this battered blue box could never compete with the sight of the Pearl's black masts and dark sails gliding swiftly across the vast ocean. His one and only Black Pearl; the very ship he'd once sold his own soul for, and the very ship he'd do so again for. “- sails time instead of the seas?”

The Doctor responded by bounding across the room. Very little made him happier than impressing a guest with his beloved TARDIS. “Not _only_ time! She can be any **place** _and_ any when! The end of the world, another planet, another solar system! The possibilities are endless!”

The pirate settled back against the console facing the Doctor, a look of skepticism on his face. “Forgive me for doubting you, mate. I've seen some weird things 'afore. But traveling through time? That's mad. Wha's to stop someone like me then, going' back in time to... Oh, shoot me gran'dad?”

The Doctor paced back. “That would cause a paradox. A universe-collapsin' paradox. Not only would you and your dad cease to exist, so would everything else.”

Sparrow twitched and studied the rings on his fingers for moment. “So that's a bad idea, I take it. What about going back to meself as a boy an' givin' meself knowledge of things that have happened?”

The Doctor turned and paced again, eyes roving up as he talked. “Weeell, depending on what you said, this could cause one of two things – another universe collapsing paradox; or a time loop. The first we don't want. The second can work, so long as precautions are taken not to alter the timeline.”

The pirate frowned in confusion. “Wha'sat mean? Isn't that the point of goin' back? To change things?”

“This is why you apes don't get time travel for a long time yet,” the Doctor huffed and continued. “A closed time loop means that something happens in your life that you must complete when you go back in your own timeline. Highly discouraged; too risky. But let's say you go back to when you were a lad, and you find a boy about to drown, so you rescue him. Waaay back when you were a lad, you once fell in the ocean and were about to drown, but someone pulled you out. Obviously this did happen, so it also happens that you go back and save yourself. This is a predestination paradox. Not a bad thing, sort of a little cheat us Time Lords can use sometimes to get out of a sticky situ.”

Jack mulled the concept over in his head a bit, and spoke again. “That's jus' a bit... Loopy. So it's a... Timey, whimey, wibbly-wobbly sort of thing then, right?”

The Doctor frowned, mouthed the words as though tasting them, and then smiled. “Exactly!”

The pirate shifted, moving restlessly past the console, his fingers again trailing the top. “So she's a ship, alright. What do you call her?”

The Time Lord took a second to shift his train of thought and brightened again. “This is the TARDIS! Stands for Time and Relative Dimension in Space. I've had her for a long time now. We've been through a lot together.” He patted his ship fondly and walked back towards the pirate at the console.

“You've got no crew? Are you her captain then, Captain Doctor?” Jack Sparrow questioned.

“What?! No, I'm the Doctor. Just 'the Doctor' like I told you before. And no crew. Don't need a crew to pilot her.” The expression on the Time Lord's face closed off. If Jack noticed he didn’t indicate it, but he changed the subject anyway.

“ _Just_ the Doctor, eh mate? Reminds me of a lass I made the acquaintance of in Tortuga some years ago." Sparrow stopped for a second and considered. "If you could call that one _just_ a lass. _Definitely_ a woman though." He smirked. "Insisted she was just 'the Corsair'. Mad as a hatter like you, she was. Claimed her ship, _tiny_ thing it was, sailed through time. Never did prove it though. Said she liked sailing all by her onesies. Set off in a hurricane and tha's the last I saw o' 'er." The pirate turned slightly and made a movement that would have been a salute; likely a gesture of fond remembrance then. He believed her dead.

The Doctor felt a pang of loss for home, reminded as he was of hundreds, if not more than a thousand years ago when a child on Gallifrey once dreamed of traveling time with an outcast adventurer. And look at them now. The child grown and on his tenth regeneration, the Corsair missing for hundreds of years and Gallifrey fallen. He cleared his throat and turned to the navigational computer.

“So where's this last relic we're looking for? You mentioned a Captain Lafitte?” Sparrow turned and bent to study the computer the Doctor stood over. The pirate's fingers brushed lightly over the displays and smaller buttons as though trying to divine what they were for.

“Aye. Bit green behind the ears, that one. Last I heard he was up by New Orleans. We get there, you let me do the talking, eh? He knows me. An' he probably won't wanna hear your time-travel-y stuff out.” He leaned in conspiratorially. “'S a bit crazy, you know.”

“And you'd know all about that, wouldn't you Sparrow?” The pirate stepped back and threw his arms up in what was possibly mock outrage.

“Tha's _Captain_ Jack Sparrow to you! And when are we settin' off? Sooner we stop these seaweedies the sooner I can get back to my _Pearl_. Not that your TARDIS isn't nice, but I've got sea-legs, not -” he floundered for a second and waved a hand, “-time-legs!”

The Doctor quickly finished inputting something on the screen and turned to the pirate, hands hitting buttons and levers in quick succession. “We're settin' off right now! Next stop, the _Dorada_ as of yesterday! Might wanna hang onto something.” He dashed about with a manic grin on his face, eager to face the next step in this adventure.

Rather than heed the Doctor's advice, Jack Sparrow stood back and pulled a compass out of a side pocket in his jacket, flipped it open with easy familiarity and wobbled about to get a reading. The TARDIS started her journey as he did so and the pirate easily balanced himself as she traveled. There was something about the compass that immediately arrested the Doctor's attention though, and he lunged forward from the console, snatching it from the pirate who immediately grabbed back at it.

“Is that..?!” Tall and gangly as he was, the Time Lord was more than a match for the pirate as he ducked and twisted away, his longer reach keeping the artifact away from Sparrow quite easily as he studied it. “It is!! A Carobaxxistorical Locator! What is _this_ doing on Earth!? Where'd you get it?!”

“Oi! Tha's me compass, mate! Bartered with this crone near World's End, I did! Give it here!” He twisted about, grabbing ineffectually at the Time Lord, both of them oblivious as the TARDIS landed.

 -

There was a fondness about the ship as she watched her Thief play with the human pirate, both of them kindred in their wanderlust and their love for their individual ships. Though it would be over soon, this had definitely been a good destination. Maybe she'd bring him back here again later.


End file.
